I’m flaring, right now, as I type this.
Everyone flares differently. I used to search “what is a flare up?” or “what does a flare up feel like?” To compare what I went through and see if it counted because (as you may have noticed) I question my symptoms and my thoughts more than I should. (I’m working on that, I promise)
Over time I realized that just like the symptoms that identify most autoimmune disorders, symptoms of flares can flow and mix together and look and feel different to everyone.
For me, my flares up mean unrelenting fatigue, skin pain that forces me to ask my hubby to help me dress/undress, wearing nothing but loose clothing, and severe cold intolerance. It means becoming a prisoner of my own skin, necessarily gentle hugs, and light cuddles. Its feeling like everything at my center has been ripped out and replaced with a frigid absence of warmth. I never thought I could experience such cold.
It pains me that my hubby has to hesitate when he goes to hug me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I also imagine that anyone I tell secretly judges me and dismisses my complaints because I look “absolutely healthy”. Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.
It sounds dramatic and uncomfortable because it is. I bet you or your loved one feels just as strongly.
One thing I always remember is: This. Is. Temporary.
This flare will pass and I’m going to dance to 60’s song in the kitchen with my hubby again. I’ll be hugged tightly again and it won’t hurt! ❤ I dont know when, but it will happen.
This has been my worst flare yet, but even this will get better.
Hopefully the next time I write about having flare ups, this episode will be a nice distant reference point. Until then, I will do what I have to do to to make it to the other side of this. And so should you!
My darling, this will pass. Your pain does not define you. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and be as delicate with yourself as you need to be.
Let’s (gently) hold hands and get through this.
Sending you soft hugs and light your way.