Ray of hope from Depression

Ray of hope

Things got a little out of control

I’ve taken a break from writing and sharing and it had pretty much everything to do with mental health. I lost the desire to write and share and I truly apologize. It can be categorized as extreme self-care to relieve crippling depression.

I was ripping much-needed reprieve from my own bosom…very dramatic, I know. But it’s my style lol. As you know I have struggled off and on with depression and with the increase in flare-ups due to not being able to afford my medications combined with the awful spiral of getting sick, feeling guilty for being sick, being stressed about being a financial burden and getting sick again because of the stress – it was seemingly never-ending.

Anywho, to update you all, I’ve given up trying to find a therapist and trust me, it’s not just because it’s crazy difficult. Even after grabbing some more hours at my job and my hubby getting a base pay along with his commission, money is very tight. Instead of spending money on a therapist (or saving up for our wedding celebration next year), we, unfortunately, have to put most of our income towards health insurance. It won’t matter how depressed I am if I can’t afford my medications and my health goes to shit.

Insomnia + nightmares

The stress of it alone has caused insomnia on a level I’ve never experienced. (ZQuil is my new best friend.) Even when I do fall asleep, I’ve had crazy nightmares about evil entities taking the form of my hubby and trying to strangle me, or Act of God level disasters. It’s my brain’s manifestation of our debt, stressors, and all the things that need settling. At least I hope. Either that or it’s my woman’s intuition telling me my partner needs an exorcism STAT. (Maybe I should sleep with one eye open :p)

We received a letter in the mail that the subsidies are going to be a lot less this year resulting in higher premiums and I’m terrified. I JUST got my Actemra injections approved. (I wrote a post on that!) It feels as though healthwise things are finally settling into place and now…I have to choose what my household can afford versus what I need for insurance coverage.

Of course, in my household, I feel like the primary money sink. My guy has gone to a doctor about 3 times in his whole life. He doesn’t even really need it. I’m the one with surgeries, urgent care and ER visits, and, of course, multiple medications that need refilling every month. If it weren’t for the copay card I requested for one of my medications, I’d have to pay an $800 copay every 4 weeks. How can I be mentally stable when my health, household, and livelihood are at stake? I’m not at all surprised that I can’t sleep.

Always a light ahead

But there is a silver lining. My guy is looking for a new job and we found some really good ones for him to apply to. I’m also looking into ways to earn some money on the side. I have been taking voice lessons for almost 5 years now (Opera-style) and so I’m thinking of getting over my stage fear, pulling up my big girl pants and starting to perform in places. My teacher thinks I’m too good to go for choir jobs (prrt :p), so maybe someday I can get some soloist gigs. Maybe a local church? who knows. The future still looks hopeful and I will hold onto that until the future is here. Any advice? I’m open to hearing it!

Hold on guys, it will get better.

Oh, and I’m back ❤


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