Chronic illness and Sex

I ovulated last night.

I know this because of the pain quickly warped from discomfort in my left side to debilitating pain in about 2 episodes of Altered Carbon, season 1. (btw, I really like that show, Tak is pretty hot) The pain sucks ass, but I joke with the hubby that when we want to conceive, we will know EXACTLY when to do the deed.

Sexxxy, right?

Not at all. My hubby had to carry me to bed because it hurt too much to walk.

We aren’t ready to be parents yet, but we want to be one day. We met with a Maternal Fetal Specialist 7 months ago to discuss all the things we’d have to do including a 6-month-pre-trying to-conceive-period scheduled for me to switch medications, have laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis adhesions, remove the IUD, and pray that I’m not sterile.

Since we want to enjoy our lives a bit, maybe travel, open up a teahouse, and wait until married life has treated us well for a little while, we decided we are waiting a few more years. And we are both totally ok with that. In fact, I’m happy for it because I can still be intimate with my life partner and enjoy being a sexual human for a while before I step into the next phase of (hopefully) becoming a mother…not to say that mothers aren’t also sexual beings…it’s just there are more restrictions (like understandably needy babies).

Plus, motherhood will likely be a bajillion times harder for someone with autoimmune issues and chronic illnesses so I’m ok with holding it off for a little longer. Regardless, I am a young hot number! I should be able to enjoy a sex-life, right?

Negative: I am a Meat Popsicle

There are spans of time where I don’t want to do ANYthing phsyical. Sometimes it’s because my body hurts. Sometimes it’s because my body is out of order (read: yeast infections, UTI’s, cellular atrophy, hormonal imbalances, etc.). Other times I’m depressed or anxious and others because I feel unattractive and fat.

This leaves little time to be intimate and really let go. In all honesty, sometimes I also worry that I will suffer some combination of consequences from being intimate and either I will get hurt, my body won’t cooperate, or I’ll get a nice UTI afterwards.

That being said, it’s hard to imagine of myself as anything other than “sick”.

It’s something I’ve thought about a lot. How can I reclaim my sexuality while also nurturing and catering to my ailing body?

How to get into… the mood

  • Tip# 1: Remembering you are human with sexual needs. It’s easy to forget this crucial yet simple thing when you feel like utter garbage a great deal of the time. However you identify, (unless you identify as asexual) you crave physical intimacy with someone on SOME level. You deserve intimacy with yourself and with the partner of your choosing, should you want one.
  • Tip #2: Identify what that desire is. And understand it can change by the day or even the hour. If you want to lay naked beside your partner and talk because that is all you feel like you can do with a hurting body, that is perfectly ok and extra points for feeling like a beautiful god/goddess while doing it. Masturbate in front of each other! If you don’t have the energy, you can ask your lover to just gently caress you, it feels WONDERFUL.
  • Tip#3: If you are into it, (and up to trying) try some “non-vanilla” style practices to get the motor going, by all means, do you boo! Whatever you are into, find ways to incorporate it in a way that is gentle enough for your needs.
  • Tip # 4: Know your limits. Now, for someone who is in pain a good chunk of the time, I’ve had to call time out a few times. I have painful arthritic joints, and my hips can be a huge inhibitor. This is something I struggle with because I feel guilty if I cut things short or need to pause. I have to know I am safe in order to be comfortable, and that depends on me and my decisions. So always keep that in mind and check in with partner.
  • Tip 5: Don’t be afraid to be talk dirty. Talking about the things you want to do with/ to your partner can be very sexy/intimate and requires very little physical effort. Especially when you can make the plans come to life at a later date when you feel up to it. Besides, having chocolate cake everyday can be tiring and get boring, but talking about how delicious chocolate cake is for a week can make the cake pretty amazing when you FINALLY have some. Don’t currently have a partner? Talk dirty to yourself! Tell yourself how gorgeous you are and explore the parts of your body that people would go nuts over. Sexy legs? Beautiful back? Exotic eyes? Soft, perfect feet? Nothing is off limits, you sexy thing, you!

Ultimately, safety is super sexy

Of course, the undercurrent here is safety and comfort for everyone involved. We are so much more than our ailments. I, myself, am a nurturer, a singer, a creative, a cook, a bad bitch and also a very sexual woman. I just don’t always feel that way.

Luckily, I found me a partner who is happy to wait patiently for the times I do. And believe you me, it’s totally worth the wait. (But I’d have fun without him anyway 😘)

Happy times 😉 and gentle hugs,

lunabug 🐞

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