Season of Growth

The last time I saw my rheumatologist was on Valentine’s Day (coincidently). That day she put in the order that I get an MRI to evaluate the cause of my back pain because it wasn’t improving. The pain started in December and has slowly worn me down since. I am now on gabapentin/ medicinal marijuana at night to help me sleep, but some nights it isn’t enough and I wake up from the pain, or worse, I fall asleep exhausted from it. My rheumy ordered the MRI 6 weeks ago. 6 weeks passed before my insurance decided to approve it.

So much time has passed since the pain started that we are in a new season.

I finally received the call that it was approved and now it’s scheduled for this coming Friday. I mean, cool. It’s not like any changes in my treatment depend on this one damn evaluation or anything. Whatever. I’m just relieved that it will finally happen..although, I am afraid of what will turn up. I’m also afraid of what won’t turn up. I’ve had so many instances where I had a study of some kind done and got ZERO answers.

I don’t know what’s worse anymore: the test being conclusive or finding nothing.

I’m starting to lose my ability to do things I used to.

It’s happening slowly, but I can’t ignore it. Gardening season is here and I’m super excited about starting my plot again for the second year in a row. However, I’m worried about how much I’ll be able to accomplish. Unfortunately, it’s not just fatigue that plagues me now; the pain has gotten worse. I helped with the community chore of weeding our asparagus plot a couple of weekends ago, and all went pretty well. Afterward, we decided to grab some Rita’s Ice (soo yummy). The girl at the front got our order wrong and we ended up receiving a free black cherry Misto (win!) and I suggested driving to my hubby’s mom’s place to give her the extra Misto. However, when we got to her house, and the time came to get out of the car, I told him to go by himself.

I couldn’t will myself to move my legs.

I felt as though the adrenaline of gardening and being in the sun had faded and I just couldn’t do it. It would be too painful and just too much energy that I didn’t have to spend. I sat in the car. If I had gotten out then, I wouldn’t have been able to get out a second time to enter our own home.

He is amazing and, of course, understood. When we drove back to our home he had to help me out of the car. I got in, laid down on the couch and succumbed to a nap I didn’t plan to take. He told me afterward that when he took my hand while we spoke, I just passed out. He’d never seen someone fall asleep so fast.

Three days ago I washed my hair in the shower and had a pretty good time singing and watching a couple “hairdresser reacts to bad bleach job” videos on Youtube (I’m a fan of Brad Mondo lol). I had just bought a new conditioner for my dry ass curly hair and wanted to let my locks soak in what they could.

Big mistake. Huge.

I guess I had been standing for too long. The pain didn’t really hit me until I sat down while putting gel in my hair. By the time I finished, changed in my pajamas and laid down, Holy Crap. Unfortunately, by standing for too long I ended up ruining the part of the evening I cherish the most: cuddling with my hubby in bed before we turn off the lights. Any movement either of us made would aggravate my pain from a 6 to an 8/9 and made my breath catch in my throat. Another minor but not so minor thing I’ve noticed is now when sitting on my couch I need a cushion tucked behind me so my back isn’t aggravated. My super comfy couch is now not-so-comfy to me.

I’ve started shopping for gardening aids and shower chairs.

It’s a sentence I never thought I’d put together as a 31-year-old, but here we are. I’m trying to accept that this and other adjustments I have to make are just something I need to do in order to make my life easier. They shouldn’t be looked upon as something to cry, despair, or lose my mind over. I am still ridiculously lucky enough to wake up in the morning next to my best friend. Plus, I have so many things to look forward to and to accomplish whether I need aids for them or not. I’m also slowly learning how to pace myself (lots of trial and error) so I don’t lose progress or blow too many spoons at once. It’s a process!

I have no idea what the MRI will show

And as scared as I am that nothing will show up, I’m equally afraid something will. But, ultimately, it’s not in my hands. I heard a quote once that said something like “if you worry about something, you suffer twice” and I truly believe that applies here. Nothing I do now will change the outcome, so all I can do is cross my puffy (lol) fingers and hope for the best. At worst, I add a diagnosis to the list, change my treatment regimen and maybe start physical therapy. At best, I change medications and maybe do a round of steroids or even steroid injections at the sacroiliatic joints.

In the meantime..

I’ve found some pretty cute looking gardening chairs. The pic below is of one that is actually a kids toy but doubles as an ADORABLE rolling seat for gardeners who need a little extra help (it even has a cup holder!). If you may need anything like this feel free to click the pic below to see the list.

But seriously, yall, how CUTE would I look rolling down the garden on one of these bad boys. ;)

Wishing you love, light, and gentle hugs,


Click here to go to a page with gardening tools for those who need accessibility aids!

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